Most of us ladies have a life that is broadly timetabled by our hormones; the 21 plus 7 else 28 day cycle from early teenage it’s as reliable as most of the other relationships in our lives i.e. before we start involving other people we don’t have a blood tie with. As one reaches the middle years the time span becomes a little more elastic; fluid and less predictable. Today too frequently the Spinster finds herself being subject to an audio ambush by which I mean random lyrics from an equally random radio station give me a lump in my throat followed by a high risk of tears! Of course in retrospect one can diagnose the despair as something other than authentic no matter how it felt at the time. Hindsight being about as common as second sight in my experience; irritating as this is (insert image of gritted teeth behind frozen smile).
Many of you will be familiar with the unexplained tearful moments triggered by the most unlikely scenarios from cute kittens to an unguarded snipe from a stranger in the cash point queue! Why oh why do we allow ourselves to continue to be roughly manhandled by our hormones? Oh yes that would be something to do with having ABSOLUTELY no choice; the feminine plight simply doesn’t command sufficient attention from the drug companies in a position to help a gal out!
So as usual one is forced to sort the problem out oneself as per usual; this does of course mean one can create a tailor-made solution. As a trained strategic planner one feels rather well equipped to address this one unlike the rest of the left field scenarios my primary ‘affliction’ lobs in my direction! Currently I have been adopting the prevention is better than cure approach which I came upon quite by chance. If I sense a little wobble risk I apply a particular eyeliner that stings to buggery if tears should leak from the less than tight ducts these days. One wonders if there are exercises one can do to improve the seal as it were; something akin to the pelvic floor exercises given to women after they’ve given birth. The ones where akin to reading 50 Shades of Grey (electronic version) in public one can ‘exercise’ most intimacy areas in public (or so I am reliably informed)! Perhaps a little research is needed but in the interim I recommend applying stinging cosmetics if the emotional gremlin starts peeking around the net curtains.
Someone asked me recently what soothed me, we were on a long car journey where conversation not requiring eye contact are best suited. Music, poetry, food or the company of a special friend. Or perhaps all of these on different occasions. Tricky one as it happens; Auntie asked me what I’d like her to cook for my forthcoming visit. In desperation I phoned my mother as frankly food has rather negative connotations for me; something to do with battling (and losing the battle) with my BMI. Aside from fresh fruit which I consume in industrial quantities food has little appeal for the Spinster. We concluded that a fish pie (specifying my penchant for juicy prawns i.e. suitably indulgent and expensive) would suffice. Thankfully it did although the follow-up comment about rummaging in the freezer to see if she needed to buy anything extra wasn’t quite indulging a favourite niece I feel!
Youssou N’Dour Senegalese musician soothes me as it reminds me of Africa; the rhythms authoritatively delivered in French akin to stroking a girl with a delicate feather. A perfect choice for the car I find especially when driving through mid Wales in the rain; a relentless pursuit when one has a client in Llandrindod Wells! Buried in the middle of this particular CD is 7 Seconds a collaboration with Neneh Cherry; simply perfection with a tinge of sadness hence a good one to use to test ones emotional resolve. Another step in the Spinster’s preventative strategy; place oneself in the jaws of the enemy and see what happens! Having applied the stinging pencil referred to earlier of course. The prospect of pain works every time for me although the lip biting, (to ward off tears), can result in bruising giving the appearance of having been smacked in the chops! One recommends a nibble rather than a full on bite!
It’s seldom a good omen when one actually listens to the lyrics of a song; if one is listening intently enough to analyse the words one is probably seeking answers to quite a different question. Imagine my delight when I heard Ultravox had released a new album (Brilliant) – my first young teenager purchase with my birthday money (£5?) in c 1977 was Vienna, followed by a fairly serious crush on Midge Ure. I remember ‘creating’ an album cover, (in homage to said band), for art class (involving my Granny’s old fur hat – before the days of animal rights (besides the rabbit would have been long dead by the time its fur framed my collage)).
But Brilliant disappointed; profoundly leaving one feeling of having been utterly seduced and abandoned! The lyrics began by seeming to be reflective; then possibly a little melancholy and followed by tedious introspection! I took it upon myself to consult the album insert to verify what I had heard; was I deluding myself per chance (I hoped tentatively). But no Team Ultravox is going through a bad patch; a really bad patch! Like when one is caught out having fallen for one of those emails from a member of a Nigerian royal dynasty fallen on hard times imploring you to give them your bank details; the Spinster was mortified with embarrassment! By the way one has never given details of one’s financial arrangements without verifying the recipient most thoroughly!
To reassure oneself the Spinster felt it necessary to inflict some of the old tear jerkers on herself; safe to say all is in working order thanks to Talk Talk (Life’s What You Make It); Snow Patrol (Chasing Cars); and the piece de resistance Mike and the Mechanics (The Living Years)! (Specifically avoiding Kasbian for the ability to invoke potentially painful mental images involving a certain person in a certain chain hotel in a certain Spanish city all in the name of further trade for the nation.. and NO I will not be drawn on this one further!)
In summary the Spinster recommends stinging eyeliner and a personal tear jerker to test ones emotional robustness in one’s personal no-mans land that is the aptly named (peri or meno) pause as one tiptoes cautiously around (barely) concealed landmines waiting for an explosion. Beware swallowing the lump in ones throat as it tends to give one hiccups!