Solidarity for Pussy Riot!

As a reasonably intelligent woman I should be grateful to have been gifted with such an innovative condition; heavens it never ceases to amaze me  the range of manifestations daily revealed by my MS. The other day during a conversation with a friend she commented ‘it’s like having another person (living inside you)’; this got me thinking about whether I should go the whole hog and name the lady! And yes it is most definitely female; a male disease would surely be simpler and easier to predict. My swimming buddy always refer to it ‘as a bit of a bitch’ which seems apt; Cruella Devil in nature clothed in fur coat and knickers (nothing is ever revealed until the last minute and only if you’re really paying attention). The problem is I’ve always poked fun at men who name their body parts; not big and not clever!

Perfect with a cigarette holder!

Well Cruella is active and impatient at the moment; tomorrow will find me in the Rapid Access Clinic at UHW in Cardiff. Currently the full range of attire is present – the old clothes plus a new range of accessories chosen just for me; I am so special! When it seems I’m not paying enough attention to her she tests me; this time she is especially annoyed, infact her behaviour is boarding on the unacceptable! I hadn’t realised that my ‘complex’ pain could become well more complex but it can and it has. Today the hypersensitivity is particularly problematic; imagine the weight of your clothes being painful no matter how light the fabric; gossamer silk would be wasted on me right now! And don’t get me started on the ‘weight’ of the feather duvet; I began to wonder if the duck had been caught in an oil slick rendered the previously ‘feather-weight’ feathers more akin to a the teeth of a metal comb (heavy and sharp with pointy ends).

This time Cruella has played a canny trick whereby my bones have become rubbery; putting one foot forward gives the sensation that my leg will collapse concertina like into the floor! Pleating cellulite could be a curious image to conjure with for a creative person but it makes walking feel like one is an inebriated octopus with wiggly legs that are capable of miraculous doing the splits without warning; most disconcerting I can assure you. As an observation, when redesigning a room in your house, say a bathroom, you might want to consider the materials employed in the overall design concept. Think about the impact of your flesh on say the marble surround on the bath (especially the corners) or the slate floor tiles. Loosing ones balance in the wee small hours after one has answered a call of nature can be (and was) painful! Only when showering after swimming and my friend pointed at my knee and said ‘what’s the matter with that Fran?’Looking down the grazed loose skin shouted ‘oy you clumsy cow!’ Not attractive and certainly not for sharing in public showers! Today the bruises have developed nicely in an interesting shade of blue grey lilac with the promise of further development; I’ll keep you posted (only kidding its nasty!).

She has garnered the support of the weebles too – you know the toys that wobble but don’t fall down (usually)? When shutting the boot of the car this evening I found the ‘force’ push me backwards so I became seated on the bonnet of the car behind! Thankfully the alarm was not activated as there is the possibility that I left a small dent (I didn’t look on purpose as I’m sure the accidental damage clause on the car insurance couldn’t be invoked on account of my not actually having been in the car at the time. I was almost in the boot of the car (loss of balance cover the full 360 degrees don’t you know!). When gliding slowly with a menacing stride down the hospital corridors tomorrow I must remember the model walking – it’s supposed to help maintain an erect pose! The slightly aloof expression on my face belies the intensity of the concentration required to walk without falling; a truly pained expression which makes my jaws ache after a while.

The recent interactions with the ‘care’ professionals have continued to challenge me as the management of my condition falls some way short of helpful. Thank heavens these people aren’t responsible anything important like running prisons! Now this will amuse you; the pain management continues to be tediously ineffective with the Consultant seemingly having some kind of professional crisis when I saw him recently. He’s exhausted all his usual solutions and does a fair amount of sighing; the expert patient becomes the empathetic patient. Being intelligent is apparently an open door to being offloaded on – presumably if I feel sorry for them I am less likely to make a fuss. No people by the time I get to the clinic from the car park I’m already exhausted so you’re already ahead as frankly I can’t be bothered to argue (I’m barely awake after the 45 minute wait)!

The funny thing – well it amused me – is the suggestion that the only other pain control we haven’t tried – notice the we, a sense of a partnership – is ketamin! Yes the dual function of tranquillising horses (I know I’ve put a few pounds on recently but ..) and a party drug favoured by young ravers! I’m having a late night if I turn the light out after 930! No worries as it will be on about another 6 times before I get up at 6am to go swimming. I can’t wait to see how it feels to be a sleeping horse with an urge to get on the dance floor! See I knew there was a reason to perfect the stride! Please banish all images of John Travolta that might just have popped momentarily into your head ladies!

The real question is whether I should don a pink balaclava tomorrow in sympathy for Pussy Riot whose sentence will be announced at 11 GMT (when I will be in the clinic having pins stuck in my face (and other parts of my body). Obviously the balaclava would have to be removed for the pricking business but solidarity is called for these ladies are being very badly treated!  

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