How To Exhibit Items Excavated In Public

bra bone 2 bra boneAs an addendum to A Spinster’s Perspective as a point of information I felt I should complete the anecdote about finding oneself in a meeting (or indeed any public arena) facing the unplanned hello from part of ones personal infrastructure. Readers with smaller assets may file this for passing on to friend’s and colleagues who are rather better endowed. When I use the term ‘better’ I’m not making a value judgement, believe me my teenage years were spent wishing the puppies were from the chihuhua rather than Dulux sheepdog family, no better simply means larger. As a rule of thumb if you’ve ever attempted weigh your boobs better rationalise your BMI you probably are ‘better’ endowed; as a matter of fact if you ever did this successfully – weigh not rationalise – by perhaps using kitchen scales do let me know as I always wondered it it was possible but never had the confidence to raise the issue in conversation. Mind you the world has moved on with a girls lunch being an appropriate place to discuss ‘bowel stuff’ then weighing yer boobs is probably passée!

When pondering this I was reminded of the ‘pee-ka –boo’ strand of advertising adopted by some lingerie manufacturers. Of course this was referring to an enhanced cleavage peeking out of a gal’s shirt for the delectation of a hungry male population (largely the intended audience in the 80s (1980s not 1880s when a fit of the vapour requiring smelling salts would have had an entirely different trigger). No the shock of finding oneself, as I was, receiving a sharp poke in the chin would be more likely to lead to a ‘pee –ka-ah (pain not pleasure variety)-boo (or bugger)’.

So let’s set the scene: a round (or square/rectangle) table meeting with a group of people gathered to discuss formal (or indeed informal) business. During the course of the meeting you become aware of something sharp digging into your flesh – the scenario works best if you are in the Chair and the flesh being dug into is your chin. So chatter chatter chatter interspersed with both banal and pertinent comment.

As the scratching is felt you move your hand down to your chest and feel something thin and metal; you have the option of panicking or sniggering. I suggest neither response as I did at the time; if in doubt act normally as if this kind of thing happens all the time. Let’s face it men seldom adjust ‘their tackle’ discretely; mother’s of young male children taken to dressing them in cordoroy trousers will have become aware of the nap being worn off in just this area! I recall a conversation with a friend who was complaining about the quality of the fabric until I suggested she observe her young son before returning the item to Customer Services.

Anyway back to the scenario, reach down and assess how far the metal bone has emerged; is it easily pushed back in (unlikely unless you are very short sighted and have been scrutinising small numbers necessitating your chin being right against your cleavage) or is it actually demonstrating a degree of confidence having been out in the day light for some considerable time! Mine had obviously been having a look around for some time although initially hidden by my blazer (give me a break this was a governmental agency in the 1990s, we worn suits and blazers with shoulder pads. And now I remember it was probably the navy nautical one complete with shiny gold buttons)!

Now the next bit is important so pay particular attention; grasp the metal firmly so you get a good grip, slippage will smack of amateurism. Pull the metal slow towards you with one hand at the end – the tip – and the other feeding the bone out. A swift execution can be achieved if a slow continuous pressure is applied. Be aware that the bone is curved and is coming out of a curved place; whatever you do DON’T look down you risk poking your eye out! And we don’t want to be accused of being unable to keep a dangerous dog under control now do we?

Looking straight ahead, still taking part in the conversation – asking for clarification from someone else in the meeting will buy you time – engage someone is eye control and calmly place the thin metal rod on the table.  If the person whose eye you are engaging looks down at what you’re doing raise an eyebrow and flash just a flicker of a smile. Follow these simple rules and you need never lose control of the conversation – a steely stare says ‘not only do I know where the bones are buried I also know how to find them should I choose to and should I find them I might just put them on display’..oh the empowering sense of menace!

The same evening go through your underwear drawer and check the status of the rest of your personal infrastructure. It might be manageable in a meeting but in a more intimate setting it could be lethal resulting in you losing more ground than you’d willingly give up without a fight!

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Filed under Musings of a Contemporary Spinster

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