An Advantage of Being Disabled finally!!

firemenOK when you are as encumbered as the Spinster you get all those parking perks and you don’t pay road tax to boot! Ambassador you are spoiling us!! Curiously one couldn’t find an answer today when asked why disabled drivers don’t have to pay to cross the bridge; should have said well why not but then as they say hindsight bloody marvellous thing ha ha.

Yesterday the Spinster who is too darn polite and rule bound duly polled up again to the Dental Hospital for a routine appointment. The ‘just done five rounds with Mike Tyson’ look splendidly on show; still put the other ‘hollow’ cheek bone into a pleasing stark relief. Appointment at 3 pm and sitting calmly in waiting area at 245 pm. Having a discrete shifty look around the fellow patient group; recognise a woman from last time on account of her sharp jaw length bob and excellent cheekbones – and then it dawns on me that the poor woman  evidently didn’t  have any teeth on that particular jaw hence the depth of the hollow.

250 pm and the fire alarm goes off. We look at each other before getting up and standing vacantly before being shepherded towards the stairs by the Fire Monitors. Not wanting to get caught up in the crowd the Spinster hangs back as if the backs of my knees were glued to the chair. The Fire Warden says ‘can you manage the stairs’ to which I hesitantly  respond how many flights are  there. ‘You’d better stay with us’ she says and guides me into the dental call centre where treatment is metered out. After a few minutes there are just three of us; me and two nurses with one transistor walky talky. After several attempts it becomes evident that the Call Centre can’t hear us; by someone else in the Annex can and she’s got 5 staff and 2 patients in her care!

It was utterly hilarious and a slight hint of hysteria makes it all feel like we’re in a Victoria Wood sketch. You know the one where Mrs Overall or some such character keeps asking ‘is it on the trolley?” Nurse two takes over the transistor and puts her glasses on to see if she can make it work; randomly pressing button it suddenly bleeps; and bleeps again. Nurse almost drops it as this wasn’t quite what she was expecting! Fits of laughter engulf all three of us. And then Nurse One says ‘You ok Victoria? A glass of water?’ And then I realise that she’s got my name wrong (the Spinster’s second name is Victoria) and Victoria isn’t a code name for disabled patients! Earlier when I’d heard her saying ‘we’ve got Victoria with us’ I actually thought this was a way of conveying that the patient was disabled!

And then in a matter of 20 minutes it’s all over and everyone reappears. Back to business as usual; except Mo who I’ve been seeing (clinically rather than biologically speaking) for the last few months has moved on. The Spinster has been reassigned to a very tall statuesque young woman with a VERY sensible manner. ‘I didn’t expect you to come today’ she says. Non nonplussed I said it seemed an idea to get a check up after all the cutting and bleeding not to mention Ollie’s attempt at a Kirsty Allsop Make Do and Mend approach to needlework. All fine and I requested a month off on account of the trauma; the Spinster was of course being ironic as the appointments are always at least a month apart.

But the Spinster does now know why I’m not supposed to blow my nose for 2-3 weeks. Apparently the tooth (number 3) had a long root and as the bone was broken during the extraction process (that would be the splintering I heard) there could be a fragment of bone that could puncture the sinus under pressure. But Ms Tall and Sensible reassured me that the appropriate checks had been done so whilst this was unlikely it was a precautionary measure. Thank you to the gorgeous lady who sent me tissues to use when the time came; a sophisticated addition to the Spinster’s handbag; the thought gorgeous gal sent to different colour schemes to accommodate a range of summer shades!!

Off to dissolve table salt ( a bargain at 25p from some supermarket basics range) in hot water and hold in over the holes until the heat goes out of the water; or the pain makes you want to gag!!!

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