The Spinster had a sneaky suspicion that her new (red) swimsuit would attract comments from fellow waterbabies at the Barry pool this morning. Oh yes it wasn’t just Thomas (pronounced in the same way that the woman in Tom and Jerry calls the naughty kitty i.e TAAARRRMMUUUUSS!) no the ladies in the changing room threw in their two penneth as well. Me mate, the one recently mistaken as the Spinster’s Carer, started it all off when she realised she’s bought the same red costume; and why she didn’t divorce her husband on the spot when he said ‘do you think you should get a larger size babe only it’s a bit tight’!! This from a man who is over 6 foot tall and has a belly bigger than a pregnant woman beyond her due date!
The primary reason for buying the red number was it was cheap; a mere £6 in the Tesco sale and it had the deal clinching sticker – ‘tummy control’ on it too! Double bargain the Spinster thought; without actually looking very closely at it. The changing room conversation included the following ‘helpful’ comments: ‘I’m not sure about the coverage – I mean you might need to be careful when you swim on your back’ and ‘how you going to manage those straps, the cross over at the back could be difficult’ of course the Spinster hadn’t noticed the straps until I actually put the blessed thing on! And then my friend said ‘you don’t need to worry when you’ve got me!’ oh lord she think’s this Spinster can’t dress herself!
In fact it’s actually rather comfortable and flattering as long as the casual observer doesn’t cast more than a causerie glance below the actual swimsuit i.e. for health reasons one recommends not dwelling on the fulsome thigh area! Bless my friend who said the Spinster had a nice figure; always embrace the compliments of mates whilst being aware they are probably being kind rather than honest!
On the subject of not lingering on naked flesh the Spinster is still in denial over a sight I saw on Sunday. Now I’m the first to confess that I haven’t exactly seen much naked male flesh up close and personal for some considerable time; neither intimate nor public displays. The former down to opportunity, the latter because one chooses not to look! Mum and Dad were down at the weekend; the generosity of this daughter knowing no bounds when I gave Dad his birthday present in the form of the opportunity to cut my privet hedge (again)! He is still a wonder with the manual shears at the age of 85; the woman over the road busied herself with the same task using electric ones as if she was somehow goading me! The Spinster was perhaps, in her opinion, committing some form of elder abuse; no lady he did it willingly even travelling 200 miles to perform the task (this fact he was overhead telling a random passer-by the last time he cut the privet)!
Hospitality dictates that a hostess should offer an alcoholic beverage before supper and Dad had a glass of red wine leaving the rest of the bottle untouched. My neighbour to the right is a white wine only kind of gal so the Spinster decided rather than throwing the wine down the sink to offer it to the music teacher neighbour to the left. These left hand side neighbours got married last weekend so it seemed appropriate. Mrs LHS answered the door – Mr LHS had shouted ‘love Fran’s at the door’; why I thought don’t you move yer generous backside and answer the door yourself. The Spinster was about to find out. Mrs LHS called Mr LHS saying ‘Fran’s brought some red wine for you’ to which he replied ‘I haven’t got a top on’ to which I replied ‘no worries I’ve seen it all before!’. Oh Lord how naieve was this Spinster to respond thus as Mr LHS appeared around the door in all his glory. Now the Spinster has overcome a youthful fear of male body hair but somehow this experience didn’t prepare me for the sight before me! He’s a big lad, width ways, has the pale bleached milky skin of a redhead complete with a generous smattering of freckles and his heavy gold link chain nestled in his ginger chest hair. The coverage of ginger extended across his belly, over his shoulders and crept endlessly down his back! Oh ladies the Spinster was almost overcome with a fit of the vapours!
And then the killer sentence was uttered, after the Spinster made polite enquiries about the wedding (after giving them an update on the rodent situation), Mr LHS said ‘when the wedding photos come back you’ll have to come round for supper’! How will I ever look him in the eye again? When the Spinster bumped – not literally – into Mr LHS this morning he was wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with the words Vintage Stuff‘ I nearly choked as I attempted to smother a snigger!
On the subject of Sweetpeas, aren’t the ones pictured from the Spinster’s garden simply gorgeous; simple pleasures from relatively little effort. Following Monty Don’s advice the Spinster goes out to harvest the blooms every morning and yes they just keep coming…